I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
