We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
