Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
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I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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