I cannot find my penis.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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