That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
