Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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