Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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