Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I came so hard my ears popped.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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