highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
