I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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