This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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