the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
