great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
