You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
