Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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