i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
