So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
