Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
