I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have post one night stand depression
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
