Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
