This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
