I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
