Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
