Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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