I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
