i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
