he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
