So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
