Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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