i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
