Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
