The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
