Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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