oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
