you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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