it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
