i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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