I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
