Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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