so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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