I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
