if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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