Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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