Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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