I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
