I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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