please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
