Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
