bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
