Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
