The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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