I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
